Aaron Around The World - New York, New York!

As you know, dirty old Glasgow has won its bid to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event are to be especially altered for 2014. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

Opening Ceremony
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

The Events
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metre Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage ten yards behind the athletes.

110 Metre Hurdle
As above but with added obstacles, e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc.

Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse. The winner shall be the one who can leave the accident and emergency ward first.

Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.

Swimming Events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle and Sebastian".

Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.

Men's 50km Walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be acting camp.

Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

The Edinburgh Vaults are a series of rooms under central Edinburgh's South Bridge. They were originally used as storage space and workshops for South Bridge businesses in the 18th century. However, construction of South Bridge was rushed and the surface was never sealed against water. The Vaults therefore flooded and were abandoned. As the industrial revolution took hold of Britain, this area become Edinburgh's slum and the city's poor and homeless took over the Vaults. Living conditions were appalling, and crime including murders soon plagued the Vaults, and hence they are said to be extremely haunted. Some time during the 19th century the Vaults were blocked off with tonnes of rubble and forgotten about until their accidental rediscovery and subsequent excavation in 1988.

Take a break, and learn how to kill your daughter, get some shampoo and sex, find out if child birth can hurt this much, and win £32,590 (because £30K seemed a little too cheap, and they don't sell enough of this trash to afford 35).

Jen turns the big 25 next February, and to celebrate she wanted to fulfil her burning desire to see New York in winter. Guess who she's invited ;) We fly out on the 20th to spend five nights in the Big Apple which includes a day-trip to Niagara Falls! The following five nights will be spent on the road heading south to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Baltimore, Maryland; and Washington, D.C. - yeehaw! I've already been to New York for a total of three hours en route back to Edinburgh from Florida back in April, but to see it in winter and do another mini American road trip - I'll go back :)

Well normally they do, yeah.
- Aaron

I kept forgetting that each cat has legs too!! 10990
- Sam

That question went round in an email forward I received recently (in fact I think I sent it to you!!) Easy ;)
- Aaron

the optical illusion is just weird... here's a puzzle thats been going round my office...

there are seven girls on a bus, each girl is holding seven bags, in each bag are seven cats and each cat has with them seven kittens. all have the correct number of legs... how many legs on the bus in total??

took me two tries but i got there in the end.... i'll post the answer later.
- sam

This pic was taken @ 7.30am on the way to work - bloody freezing or Baltic as they call it here!
Oh and next time I wake up to ambo and cops outside I'll know to txt u again to wake u up ;)
- Jen

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well its been more 30 degree days!! not really today tho. sux 2 b u!! especially with all this stabbing & stealing stuff u moan about! ps. sweet magazine......... NAAT!
- Charlot

Bring on New York - I'm so excited!!!
Would however give anything for the 33 degree days though...

- Jen

It worked :(
- Aaron

it was a lush 33 degrees in chch today, just wanted to make you jealous.....
- Charlot

never been to the palace but it looks purdy. and stop moaning about the weather.... you'll lose your voice..... it'll be like this here til march now!!!
- sam

Wondered when they'd get up on ur page ;)
You provide plenty of great laughs on holiday - u may get a lot of strange looks but a lot of laughs too (ie. the fall in Barcelona!) hehehehe
Bring on the New York madness :D
- Jen

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Nice - and oh so true!!!! hehehehe
- Jen


My camera doesn't have that anti-shake feature to stop blurring during night shots, so any stable base will do hehe.


On-coming traffic gets ignored (they have steering wheels).

		Again, any stable base will do ;)


The back of my shirts often come home completely black.


The 'Grand Stair' leads up to the first floor and is surrounded by portraits, paintings, and tapestries.		The huge dining room overlooks the outer forecourt and seats up to about 30 people. Lizzy likes to sit in the middle on the far side so she can chat to most of the guests.


A couple of other big rooms splattered with more paintings and whatnot that serve various purposes.


This is the King's bedroom (when there is a king).		This on the other hand is the Queen's bedroom. Although much more impressive, half of this room is sealed off in glass and has security guards constantly wandering in and out to keep an eye on us dodgy tourists, so this is the only shot I could get hehe.


This long room is the location of many official ceremonies etc. Again, the walls are covered in portraits of past royal figures. The left shot is on a slant because I was trying to conceal my camera in my jacket pocket from the guards up the other end hahaha! The shot on the right was snapped literally a second before the guard in the centre of the room against the far wall there turned around ;)


After a ten minute walk via a path that resembled a scene out of Big Fish, I was in the middle of yet another cheerful and welcoming Scottish town.

		The law works fast in these parts - here we've got the cop shop, the church, and the sheriff's court all next door to each other. After you're charged you go and beg forgiveness for your sins and then stand before the judge :)


Here we have Kilmarnock's version of a nativity scene...		And here we have Glasgow's hahaha! Click here to see a larger shot of this in the Picture of the Week.


Short on money? No worries, just go buy some more!		Nip and tuck? No worries, just nip in to the surgery down the road!


Throw some goodies in a baking tray - stock, garlic, and rosemary in this case...		Wrap some smoked bacon over top for good measure, and baste the beast in a little butter...


In the tray she goes, bit of tinny over top, hurl her in the oven and baste a little more every so often.


Quick starter (prawns, salmon, lettuce, lemon, paprika)...		And then rip the bird to pieces, throw a few roast veges and other bits and pieces together, and wash it all down with some New Zealand wine! Kapai!




You'd be surprised at the dirty looks I get sometimes for 'taking' other people's photos hahaha!		Two years and counting...


Davydd (my mate from Brisbane who leaves stupid comments throughout this website) is up from London where he's been living for a while, so we decided to do a tour to see some ghosties. First stop was the torture chamber where we were told some charming tales of what used to be done to criminals and cheating wives back in the day. Limb cuffs, flesh hooks, nut crackers (for the males), large chains - you use your imagination ;)


One of the rooms down there is supposedly an active witchs' room, used 21 nights a year on the full moon and the turning of the seasons to do whatever it is they do.		Further along is another deserted room with a large circle formed by rocks in its centre. The story behind this is a bloody long one, but there is supposedly a poltergeist trapped within it. Rumour has it that anyone who has stepped into the circle (including people from previous tours down here) have either woken with mysterious scratch marks somewhere on their body that could not be explained, had a fatal car smash in the following couple of days, or just had some other sort of bad luck. A school tour group all decided to jump in the circle some years ago, and all of them supposedly woke with these mysterious scratch marks and the tour company was sued. Did I buy into any of this shit? No. But did I want to tempt the fates by stepping foot inside the circle? Again, no :) Davydd's camera randomly shut itself off upon entering this room, so he's now pretty convinced it was an 'encounter' with the other side hahaha! Stupid Aussies.


Holyroodhouse Palace (known locally as just Holyrood Palace) is the Queens official residence when she's in town. It's located beneath Arthur's Seat at the bottom end of the Royal Mile (with Edinburgh Castle being at the top of the Royal Mile, and hence the Royal Mile is called Royal. Fun fact: The Royal Mile is not a mile long; it's a mile and quarter :) The Palace has stood here in some shape or form since 1128, although it was originally founded as a monastery. It has been the principal residence of the Kings and Queens of bonny old Scotland since the 15th century. Over the years, other bits and pieces have been added to the building. In the shot on the left, the left tower there was built in the 15th century, whereas the right tower was built in the 17th.


We chose a typical gloomy day to go, but that aside the palace is a really pretty sight.		Photography inside the palace is strictly prohibited hehe.		Check out the ring of swords on the wall - tempting! ;)


Outside are the ruins of the original abbey. The roof of the abbey collapsed in the 18th century, leaving it as it currently stands.


I was staying with some of Lisa's relatives out in Kilmarnock over the weekend, some 40kms from dirty old Glasgow. We arrived last night so I didn't get to scope the joint out until today but I did learn a few things about it beforehand. It's full of chavs (the local term for teenage scumbag delinquents)...		The paper shredder is as vital in the Kilmarnock home as the rubbish bin because people love to trawl through your garbage and steal your identity...		And the neighbours have stolen the local driving school's car hahaha ;)


Problems with your pecker? No worries, go see the Dick Institute!				(But they're not open on Sundays.)


There was a soccer match going on just down the road last night. After the game everybody seemed to be running for their lives, and no wonder considering how many fights and stabbings take place after a footy match.		Just look at all these stab victims, and this is just from last week ;) Yes, we are truely blessed to live in these lands!


This is why there hasn't been a lot of action on this website lately. These two shots are looking out the window of where I'm working at the moment (about 15kms out of town). The shot on the left was taken yesterday - a severe frost overnight that hung about all day due to the bitter coldness. The shot on the right was taken at midday today - pea soup fog. It's a bit hard to get out and do shit when a) I'm working out of town where there's nothing around (e.g. no Glasgow to take the piss out of), and b) it's absolutely arctic outside and you can't see anything anyway hehe.


				'No standing' signs regularly get ignored.


Heights get ignored.


Assemble the legs...		Screw 'em on (that's a DIY arse right there ;) ...


Flip the heavy bastard over...		Adjust the lighting...		Hoover the crap off it...


I whipped through to Glasgow yesterday for some last-minute shopping. The first thing I see upon leaving the train station: who killed Annie two years ago (on the outskirts of town). Geez.		And the same scene in all the shops: hundreds of people, unwanted shit all over the floor, and dropkick staff standing around doing to nothing hehe.


After the fun of shopping a few of us went out for a few drinks and a few games of pool. It got me thinking how there's a lot of empty space in this bloody huge bedroom of mine ;) After a few phone calls today, I managed to find a £300 pool table reduced to clear down to £100 hahaha - perfect!				Some construction required...


And finally show Lisa how we do it back home! ;) So that's my Christmas present to myself.


Aaron's guide to a Christmas turkey! ;) Pick yourself out a good-looking bird (just like in the club)...		Jam some goodness in every orifice you can find (hopefully not like in the club)...